It’s hard to relive the past when it’s something that caused you to become so bitter and cynical. But in the past two days, I’ve been forced to go back down the rabbit hole. It’s not exactly the most pleasant of memories, but I don’t really care anymore. I’m indebted to the lessons that this person taught me, but I no longer put the effort into thinking about aforementioned person and the incidents that transpired from loving him. I think the thing that frustrates me the most about it all is that I keep making it a “competition” of sorts, and it’s not. The fact of the matter is, people who encountered this hurricane were all destroyed in some way, shape or form. You can’t compare the damage, because everything was left in pieces. I can forgive and forget everyone and everything related to this person— there is a reason I was the bearer of terrible news to everyone. There is a reason karma strikes hardest, and I believe it’s because of this principle (because I was the most affected personally), that I was the one who got to deliver justice. You weren’t the one who got led on constantly, you weren’t the one who watched as he chose girl after girl over you, you weren’t the one that loved so much and gave so much and watched as he got “so fucked up”, you weren’t the one sitting there as he threatened to take his life, and you sure as hell weren’t the one who had to deal with it and pick up the pieces by herself because he made everyone around him hate you. So to say that I don’t share resentment involving him would be a lie, but I’m over everything that happened. But think twice before any of you make another claim about how much he meant to you, because I assure you, you didn’t have to deal with 90% of the bullshit I had to go through.

There will never be a definite answer as to, “Why” this person did what they did… but I’m aware I’ll never get the closure I deserve, but I couldn’t give two fucks because I gave myself the closure I needed. I am happy(ish.) Honestly, after this last boyfriend, I couldn’t care what anyone in the past has done to me. Including the person this post is about. I will always consider the “hurricane” my “first love,” but I never want to feel so terrible about myself ever again. I never want to feel inadequate to someone, I never want to be second string to another girl ever again. I don’t want to feel empty again.

And I never will because now I know better.

I got into the school that was my first choice a couple of month ago.

I’m a little wary since I got back home now. 

So, either Chicago or home. Where to go, where to go…

But all I do is keep listening to sad songs and feel sorry for myself because that’s what I do at 2:30 in the morning. 

Missing someone you were in love with, as always, comes and goes in waves. I just wish this tsunami would just wash over me so I could stop drowning in these memories of you.

I don’t know what it is. I woke up this morning and I realized that I deserved better than you. I’ve mourned our relationship enough.

1. Say “yes” to more things. 
2. Apply the phrase “fuck it” to more areas in my life.
3. Exercise and lose weight. Seriously. Or just stop eating completely. That works too.
4. Record more songs.
5. Try a hand at songwriting.
6. Love more openly.
7. Trust people.