The boys at college don’t even begin to compare to you. Distance is distance, and distance can be hard, but if I really did love you, I should have respected that. However, the love for myself at that time was more important than the love I had for you. I’m young. I’m aware. I know it’s hard to love when you’re young because everything is so fragile and delicate and life revolves around only yourself, but I meant it when I told you that I loved you. Maybe at the time it was convoluted and confusing only because you too, were only thinking about yourself at the time, but I meant it when I said “I love you.” The world is fucked up and makes no sense whatsoever half of the time, but I saw myself with you this year, I picked this school for you. I picked this location because it was 4 1/2 hours by car and we were in the same time zone. And when I managed to get my license and a shitty car, I would have putt-puttered my way over to you and kissed you with every inch of me I have.
You are gone. I have not accepted that yet. I cling onto your memory so tightly that I’m being held back by it. There are so many opportunities for love, but I’m refraining from them because of you.